here and here
and
Says it all … from here anyway.
Where to now from here
Like all breakups in the past, it will take some time to heal the wounds. But I have some very good close friends who are there for me and will help me through.
Eventually, I’ll venture back out to find another partner, someone local who I can love and trust.
For those that have been part of my life, like Brian, Tony, Dusty, “John” etc … they will always be special to me. Breakups are never easy, but sometimes one can salvage a sort-of friendship in the end. Sometimes it only takes a few months, sometimes years. Sometimes, unfortunately, it never happens.
For myself, what I presume to be a final break with John, has happened. We haven’t said “goodbye”, but deep down I dont think I will be hearing from him again. So, the sms I sent him today is also my last contact with anyone in Colombia.
I’ll update this blog some time in the future if anything exciting happens in my life.
Cheers
James
To my Colombian
There are few people in life that can make such a big impact on you, and yet not be there long enough to see the final outcome. Today, the internet is a great way of meeting people and sometimes establishing some really worthwhile friendships. For myself, I always looked at the internet as a means of connecting with people, but never as a means of finding that someone special.
Boredom and lousy weather generally leads me to hours of idle internet surfing and chatting, and this was the case back in July 2008. On one of a dozen or so sites I regularly visit, I stumbled across a profile that for all intensive purposes was no different from any other. Except for one thing. The words “dont ask for online sex” .. or words to that effect, which stood out in capitals at the bottom of his profile. I must admit, I read it, chuckled, and went on to the next one. But for some obscure and unknown reason, I went back to it, re-read it and sent a simple message which read “its nice to see others online who aren’t looking for sex”. Or something pretty much similar.
I never actually expected a response back as most people simply don’t bother replying if you don’t “meet their criteria”. But a response I got, and from there begun a 10 month online affair. An affair which saw me break every single rule I have regarding online dating.
I live with my “15 Minute” rule which basically is “If I can’t get you within 15 minutes, you aren’t worth the hassle”. Its worked quite well for me during my life, rarely failing to get “that guy”, much to my friends’ astonishment. Yet with John [not his real name], I developed patience that lasted not only 10 months, but I was also willing to wait for another 12-18 months if need be. Suffice to say, I had fallen head over heels for him, for he had practically every single quality that I was searching for in a partner. Its amazing, but who would expect to fall so badly for someone overseas, who you’d only meet for 5 days and still be willing to wait?
But like all fairytales, it had to have an ending, and ours was the Easter break. I wont go into details, as its not important or relevant to this article. Suffice to say that both parties could have handled the situation a lot better than the way we did. There is a lot of anger and frustration on both sides, and a lot of pain. Some is self-inflicted whilst some originating from the other party.
I must admit, my handling of the situation was not the best. My anger was not only towards him but also myself for having put myself into that situation. I did some things I am not proud of, and had I taken a long walk first, would not have done. I shouldn’t have sent the videos etc to his ex-girlfriend, for I knew that she would use it against him. That she would threaten to “out” him to everyone else, something he was deeply afraid of happening. And I dont blame him to a certain extent for not wanting to “come out”, considering the society he lives in and the friends he has.
Yet my actions may actually have a long term benefit for him, if its played right. By being open and honest with her, explaining to her how important she was and is to his life, she could turn out to be not only his cover but also his best friend. She may not be willing to accept it at first, but knowing the truth may allow her to come to terms with it especially if he is honest enough to tell her that he can’t deny his bisexuality. Its a gamble that could work against him if he doesn’t play his cards right.
How will it end? I don’t know and somehow I don’t think I will find out. The chances of developing any kind of friendship now, are very slim. So on the off chance that we cut all ties, this is for you John:
Sorry for any grief I may have caused you in the last 10 days. I can’t reverse whats happened, but hopefully it wont all bad for you.
Who ever is lucky enough to win your heart, is going to be the happiest person in the world even if you only show him 1/10th of what you showed me. Thank you for being part of my life, even if only for a short time.
Remember, your present and future is made up of the past, and the people you meet. The ones that make the biggest positive impact on you are the ones that truly care. Friends sometimes come and go, but true friends will always leave their front door open for you, regardless of what happens.
If you feel at any time that you wish to try and see if a friendship can be salvaged, my door will always be left open for you, whether its tomorrow, next month or 5 years down the track.
You’ll always have that special place in my heart.
James
PS Its a shame we never actually said “goodbye”.